What makes a bad movie? The answer is easy, pretentiousness. Movies that claim to be “life changing” or are strung together to create “Oscar Buzz,” beware. These are the movies you must proceed ahead with caution before viewing. Now, there are bad movies on the shelves of every Blockbuster or “Ma and Pa” video store with titles like “They Saved Hitler’s Brain,” and if you rent these titles, you know exactly what you are getting. For the sake of this “Roar,” I’m limiting it to movies that seemingly had some promise, but failed miserably. It would be too easy to list “Cabin Boy” or “Anaconda” on this scale. It is also important to note that movies like Rocky 5 and Caddyshack 2 were left of off the list because they do not offer the smug nature of some films although they are quite bad. Do you remember Oscar winner “Dances with Wolves?” Go back and watch it and I think you’ll understand the pretentious nature of that film and just how bad it truly is while questioning the Academy’s decision to award it Best Picture. This movie is deemed “good” out of guilt because its plot deals with the destruction of Native Americans. This list was challenge, but the task is complete. Here are my five worst films in cinematic history…
5) Pay it Forward-Pretentious beyond all belief. If I do a kind act and someone else follows my lead the world will be better place. Malarkey! Here’s a kind act, burn every copy of this movie.
4) The Majestic-Jim Carrey crying for an Oscar nomination. Let’s see, if we put Martin Landau and Jim Carrey in the same movie it will be good, right? WRONG! Frank Darabount wrote this movie after Shawshank Redemption and I guess we all expected to be “good.” Nothing Majestic about it!
3) Battlefield Earth-L. Ron Hubbard, John Travolta and other’s in this epically bad movie about god knows what. I wanted to take my brain out of my skull and wash it after seeing this movie.
2) Dangerous Minds-That’s right Michelle Pfieffer as a bad ass teacher in a primarily African American high school. Hollywood, please show us the other side of the tracks. I am a Caucasian from suburbia and need to realize how diverse the world really is and need to identify with the other half. Hollywood, manipulate my sensibilities into crying. How do we teach these Keeeeedze? (far better movie) This is as pretentious as it gets.
1) Wild Hogs-I remember watching Meet the Parents and thinking, “Wow, this could have been awful, but it is quite good because there is star power carrying the script.” I thought to my dismay that “Wild Hogs” may be similar. Travolta, Allen, Macy, Liotta Lawrence, Tomei, how could this movie fail? “Failure” doesn’t even begin to describe the steaming crapfest that is Wild Hogs. By the end of this film, I was praying to God that in some fashion, he would return the wasted hour and forty-five minutes of my life in some capacity. I fault myself for sitting through this tragic cinematic piece of garbage. I’d rather have been eaten by Wild Hogs than watch this movie. Oh yeah, Peter Fonda shows up and gives an Easy Rider philosophy on “riding.” I hate, Hate, HATE this movie.
5) Pay it Forward-Pretentious beyond all belief. If I do a kind act and someone else follows my lead the world will be better place. Malarkey! Here’s a kind act, burn every copy of this movie.
4) The Majestic-Jim Carrey crying for an Oscar nomination. Let’s see, if we put Martin Landau and Jim Carrey in the same movie it will be good, right? WRONG! Frank Darabount wrote this movie after Shawshank Redemption and I guess we all expected to be “good.” Nothing Majestic about it!
3) Battlefield Earth-L. Ron Hubbard, John Travolta and other’s in this epically bad movie about god knows what. I wanted to take my brain out of my skull and wash it after seeing this movie.
2) Dangerous Minds-That’s right Michelle Pfieffer as a bad ass teacher in a primarily African American high school. Hollywood, please show us the other side of the tracks. I am a Caucasian from suburbia and need to realize how diverse the world really is and need to identify with the other half. Hollywood, manipulate my sensibilities into crying. How do we teach these Keeeeedze? (far better movie) This is as pretentious as it gets.
1) Wild Hogs-I remember watching Meet the Parents and thinking, “Wow, this could have been awful, but it is quite good because there is star power carrying the script.” I thought to my dismay that “Wild Hogs” may be similar. Travolta, Allen, Macy, Liotta Lawrence, Tomei, how could this movie fail? “Failure” doesn’t even begin to describe the steaming crapfest that is Wild Hogs. By the end of this film, I was praying to God that in some fashion, he would return the wasted hour and forty-five minutes of my life in some capacity. I fault myself for sitting through this tragic cinematic piece of garbage. I’d rather have been eaten by Wild Hogs than watch this movie. Oh yeah, Peter Fonda shows up and gives an Easy Rider philosophy on “riding.” I hate, Hate, HATE this movie.
11 comments:
Pretentiousness is only one reason a movie fails. Hype broadens the net and is therefore more satisfying.
After 4 successful Batman movies, that got progressively worse but no less hyped by the summer popcorn movie machine, Batman and Robin was the worst ever. It had big names Clooney, ARNOLD, UMA, O'donnell, Silverstone. But director Joel Schumaker might as well have called his old buddies from the Lost Boys. Corey Haim and Corey Feldman could have done better with the leads. It was like he fell in love with Clooney and wanted to do a male version of Showgirls. C'mon the batsuit even had nipples.
Despite all that, the initial weekend take was a legit 42 mill. Proof that advertising works. However, the final take was a franchise low 107 mil. It barely doubled the initial release after worldwide distribution. That's proof that word of a stinker spreads fast. And proof that this bomb deserves to be on your list.
Chris Hatton
That movie was a stinker! When I wnat homo-erotica I put on my Clooney Batsuit and yell Cowabunga!
If I can "piggyback" on Chris' "hype machine" take on movies, then there is one that is sorely overlooked.
The Hulk.
The double disappointment that this movie produced in me was overwhelming. Not only did Ang Lee ruin my favorite tv show growing up, but a great comic book as well.
In addition to this, the movie trailer (which I saw almost a year before the movie was released) was incredible. So, favorite tv show, great comic book, and awesome movie trailer, can't miss movie right?
Overdeveloped characters, too much dialogue and not enough Hulk ruined all of the above. When I walked out of the theatre, I thought that my eyes were turning green and my shirt sleeves felt like they were on the verge of tearing.
You don't appreciate fine art...isn't thst what you want in a superhero movie?
The new one, I thought was very good.
I am of the mind that bad coffee, is better than no coffee at all. I have always felt that the worst thing anything could be, is boring. This includes food, people, cars, books, and especially movies.
I can tolerate Batman and Robin, if only for Arnold's absurd one liners and corny action sequences that are like bad Ice Capade choreography. I can tolerate Ang Lee's Hulk, for Nick Nolte as himself, and because of giant insane dogs. And Battlefield Earth is truly a laugh a minute. In their awfulness, movies of this ilk have a certain surreal unintentional hilarity.
For the sake of argument, let me just give you a list of bad movies, that everyone seems to love, and I can't understand why.
5. Gladiator: An overblown steaming turd, much like Russle Crowes career.
4. The Princess Bride: This move has ONE redeeming quality, and it's not Billy Crystals awful Old Jew act.It's not the "genre busting" story either. It's Andre The Giant. Inconceivable Guy is okay too.
3. Anything with Nicole Kidman. But what about "Moulin Rouge" you say? What about it? It's fucking awful.
2. The Matrix Trilogy is fucking retarded.
1.Casablanca: Would have been better if it had Andre the Giant.
The Princess Bride is a cult-classic that is why people do not attack it. I'd have to put The Rocky Horror Picture show in there too as amovie everyone likes, but is a milky turd.
Hey onkel?
How bout' Eyes Wide Shut? LOL
while i love stanley kubricks movies, i think eyes wide shut is my LEAST favorite of his. i've seen it a couple of times, but aside from the gratuitous sex, i really couldn't tell you much about it.
Moulin Rouge was so awful I turned it off in the first 5 minutes. Even my wife couldn't watch it.
Eyes wide shut couldn't even make the sex sexy. It was like watching a bad episode of HBO's Real Sex with gross european 50-somethings in masks rolling around sweating.
Real Sex is often disgusting...any of the ladies on that show ebr landscape their area? I mean damn!
"Eyes Wide Shut" was so hyped up too. What is interesting about "Eyes Wide Shut" is that Kubrick chose to use long, continuous, steady cam shots. There aren't that many cuts, and all the action is pretty well choreographed. Plus most of the ligating was natural, or whatever light was in the room (lamps, windows, etc.) as opposed to studio lighting. The sex isn't supposed to be sexy. It's supposed to be detached. It's a movie about sex addiction. Plus there are all sorts of details and little references to uncover. The movie itself is pretty enigmatic.
But who cares really? Kidman is so awful, that I don't want to invest my time. Her pot smoking scene is so long, arduous and unrewarding. I don't care how preposterous a movie is, if you don't care about the characters (Anikan, I'm looking at you) you're not going to give a shit what happens. "Eyes Wide Shut" is a good example.
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