Apology Not Accepted

It all began years ago in a childhood far far away. A young boy with an active imagination attached himself to a movie. The premise seemed to be off the wall. The movie featured a seemingly gay robot accompanied by a mobile trashcan that spoke beeps and blurps. It featured a “walking carpet” and a whiney moisture farmer. The craziest thing about this film was the asthmatic villain who ruled with an iron fist. The movie was Star Wars or as they call it now, Star Wars: A New Hope. It set the bar for blockbuster entertainment and spawned a merchandising empire. George Lucas’s vision ignited the imaginations of many children and gave hope that movies could still be fun. It was a creation that would lead to creative filmmaking and has inspired generations of filmmakers. As a kid all those years ago, I thought that Star Wars and its sequels could not have been more perfect. The Empire Strikes Back may be the pillar of a cinematic masterpiece. There is not a moment wasted on screen. I use to hang upside down on my bed and try to use the force to get my toy lightsaber just like Luke. It never worked, but I am still trying. You see Star Wars for me is my barometer for movies. I expect more out of Hollywood because of its achievements and world renowned praise. These are the very movies that made me love film. But I digress, I cannot spend another minute of my life apologizing for the abomination called The Prequel Trilogy.
Let’s start off with Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I bought into this travesty hook, line, and sinker. I remember watching the teaser trailer in November of 1998 and nearly crying because it looked so promising. It seemed as if Lucas and company had an idea of what they were doing. Besides the day I got married, the day I bought tickets for The Phantom Menace was the happiest moment of my life. I could not believe that another Star Wars movie was going to splash down and rule an entire summer. I bought toys, magazines, and product tie-ins from Pizza Hut. I was energized again and knew that greatness had once again arrived in Hollywood. It was all too perfect and the time machine in my heart harkened back to the days of playing with my Millenium Falcon and freeing Han Solo from play-dough as if he were encased in carbonite. Damn, this was going to be good. I brought my girlfriend, my sisters, and anyone else who wanted to share in this glorious occasion with me to the theater. The local news had reporters stationed inside the theater interviewing people before and after the movie. Kids and adults were dressed in costumes swinging lightsabers and making buzzing sounds. This was the impact of cinema in its finest hour. The opening sequence to any Star Wars movie is always exciting. The Lucasfilm logo hits the screen and a silence falls over the crowd without fail. Then it happened, The Phantom Menace actually played as a movie and it was stunningly embarrassing. Jar Jar Binks is credited with the ruination of the franchise, but it is not his fault. Yes, Jar Jar is annoying, but not nearly as irritating has Jake Lloyd as young Anakin Skywalker. George Lucas has trouble directing adult actors so, what was he thinking starting off the “new trilogy” with an eight-year-old Sith to be? I am still baffled. The best casting decision in this movie was Samuel Jackson as Mace Windu. His performance was riveting as he drops knowledge on young Anakin in a Jedi Council meeting. His two lines in the film should be shown in every acting class (sarcasm). These small quibbles are not the worst aspect of the movie. The worst was the decision to have a Star Wars movie based off of a Galactic Trade dispute. I cannot believe for second that Lucas thought this would be an interesting idea. He has said repeatedly that the Star Wars Universe was created for children therefore adults would be critical of the new films. Well, when is the last time a group of children busted out their action figures to play Galactic Trade Dispute? To borrow a line from Luke Skywalker, “NEVER!” I have to give credit to the last 45 minutes of the movie because it was rather exciting. I enjoyed watching the tattooed Darth Maul fight two Jedi, but for all of his badness, his death was rather weak. He was taken out by a young Obi-Wan and cut in half. Frankly, I never got the Darth Maul character. He was just a pit-bull trained to kill. The moment that seals the deal in this movie is Anakin “accidentally” blowing up a Trade Federation ship to save the day on Naboo. That scene was and still is just plain stupid. Yippie! Isn’t that what we all scream when we save the galaxy? After seeing this movie seven times in the theater, I still apologized for all of its awfulness. The truth is that The Phantom Menace is as far from the Star Wars Universe as one could possibly get. Oh by the way, the announcers of the pod race scene…
Now to the sweat stained Attack of the Clones. Holy crap did this movie just plain suck the life out me in parts. Anakin Skywalker was played by Hayden Christensen and boy did he “wow” me with his captivating charisma. Again, Lucas puts the screws to his loyalists. He is quoted as saying that Clones is a love story. That’s right, A LOVE STORY. That is exactly what we want out of Star Wars movie. It was surely a good idea to write the first third as a Trade Dispute, but what an epiphany it must have been to make a Star Wars movie a “love story.” Hey guys, let’s gather our action figures and play “love story.” Seriously, the “love scenes” in this movie are unforgivable by any standards. Here is the actual script:

INTERIOR: NABOO LAKE RETREAT, LODGE, FIREPLACE ALCOVE -TWILIGHT
A fire blazes in the open hearth. PADMÉ and ANAKIN aresitting in front of it, gazing into the flames. She looksup as ANAKIN leans in to kiss her.
PADMÉ: Anakin, no.
ANAKIN: From the moment I met you, all those years ago, aday hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you. And nowthat I'm with you again, I'm in agony. The closer I get toyou, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with youmakes my stomach turn over - my mouth goes dry. I feeldizzy. I can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss you shouldnever have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kisswill not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormentingme. What can I do? I will do anything you ask...

This was really carried out on screen. The greatest Jedi of all time actually says this stuff. I am “haunted” by the script. All I could do is ask myself, “What the hell is going on?” Anakin Skywalker is behaving like a total dweeb. His MySpace page must be pathetic. Who would have thought Darth “Freakin” Vader to be completely EMO? I’m sure they are concerned about him at the Jedi Temple. This doesn’t say much for the mentoring job of Obi-Wan Kenobi. I love the fact that the all knowing Jedi cannot or fail to acknowledge the conflicted feelings of the “chosen one.” This does not top the introduction of Jango Fett. Jango is brought into the film to introduce fan favorite, Boba Fett. I never really understood the infatuation with Boba Fett, after all, he was just a bounty hunter. He first appeared during the Star Wars Holiday Special and still has a cult following. In my opinion, his story is the least interesting. The problems with “Clones” seem dissipate when we arrive at the Battle Arena where Anakin and Padme are sentenced to death by three creatures, but again it proves to be ridiculous. Mace Windu shows up with his glowing purple lightsaber and says, “This party is over.” Can you feel the chills? It was astonishingly terrible to see so many Jedi getting “punked” so easily. These are Jedi Knights. These are the heroic icons of youth. These are the guys we would put up against any enemy and they would succeed. In “Clones,” they are destroyed by Federation Droids. Attack of the Clones does have one redeeming quality and that it the Jedi prowess of Yoda. Yoda ignites his lightsaber and I felt a slight tickle in my special area. It saved this movie from totally being horrendous. “Clones” gets an “A” for effort and a D- for execution. Execution is too appropriate for this movie.
Revenge of the Sith is the third installment of the prequel trilogy and the most tragic for various reasons. Sith was going to be the movie that brought redemption back to the Star Wars Universe. All of the things that were discussed in our youth would come to fruition. We were finally going to see Anakin Skywalker fight Obi-Wan Kenobi in what should have been the greatest lightsaber battle of all-time. What we get is something less. It amazes me that the Jedi were so easily fooled by Emperor Palpatine. They are almost deserving of their plight. Lucas said, “This is the Titanic of the series.” One more time, “Let’s get our action figures and play Titanic.” Really George? What is most heartbreaking about Sith is that it has the workings of a great film. All of the elements are there and once again it is fumbled and bobbled. There is homage to the Godfather in this film, which I liked and wish were carried out more effectively. In The Godfather, the five families are “taken care of” at the end of the movie. In Sith, the Jedi are “taken care of” on various worlds, but once again the build up doesn’t correlate well with the scenes. I was literally crawling in my seat when the Jedi are murdered on the “neon” planet. The CGI was so bad that I felt as if I were on Mr. Toads Wild Ride at Disney World. It looked cheap and made me feel the same. We all wanted to see Revenge of the Sith to see the transformation of Anakin into Vader. I honestly cannot stand the way this was portrayed on screen. Anakin is cut off at the legs and then burns before being rescued by Palpatine. Let me put this in perspective, Anakin Skywalker has legendary lightsaber skills and has saved the galaxy numerous times from doom, yet, isn’t savvy enough not to flip into the blue blade of Obi-Wan. This is just plain awful. However, I did enjoy the Frankenstein style in which Anakin becomes Darth Vader, but all is ruined when James Earl Jones’s voice utters the word “NOOOOOO!” I understand he is upset about the possibility of killing his wife in a fit of rage, but once you put on that black suit you are not entitled to whine. Mr. Skywalker must shed is quasi-depressive state and become a hateful, spiteful Sith Lord. I almost wish that Lucas had written the transformation of Anakin earlier in the trilogy. It would have been fascinating to see him hunt and murder Jedi without remorse. If you rearrange the letters in Sith you just may have the true meaning of the Prequel Trilogy.
I love the Star Wars Universe. It is an escapist fantasy for me and always has been. It is the reminder of all that was good aboutgrowing up a child of the 70’s and 80’s. It has taught me valuable lessons about good and evil and love and friendship. Some over step their boundries and say that Lucas “raped” their childhood. I cannot agree with this, but I can say that Star Wars is sacred ground. It is not to be taken lightly. I just wanted to relive a fraction of my childhood. I didn’t expect these movies to better that the Original Trilogy, but I did expect them to be just as good.