Hey, You Copied!

Imagine if five years from now a group of Hollywood execs get together and decide to reimage a movie for a “new” generation. Imagine the movie being something classic or revered. Now imagine the execs casting the movie to “appeal” to the “new” generation. Imagine the movie being Jaws or The Godfather. Now, wipe the vomit off of your shirt, but realize this is the new direction of Hollywood. Hollywood has lost its eye for originality and the movie-goer is being asked to pay the price. It is disheartening to see the business continually head down this path. Reimaging movies is a bad idea. A good example has to be Rob Zombie’s Halloween. An abysmal film made for a “new” generation of horror fans or Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Now, I’ll get the argument that Burton is a respected director, but how many times has he dropped the proverbial “ball” recently? Need I remind you of Planet of the Apes? Reimaging a movie or idea is like repainting the Sistine Chapel because the medium used to paint it isn’t contemporary. This is a sad time in Hollywood because the copycats are lurking and ready to stand on the shoulders of the greats and ruin little slices of cinematic history. It is a matter of time before Dwayne Johnson stands on the side of vessel and says “We are going to need a bigger boat.”

Here are some “re-imagings” that have already been greenlit or already in production….

Alice in Wonderland (Alice)-My man Burton is back at it again to ruin yet another classic story. Tim, your style is one of my favorites, but when can we return to Beetlejuice or Edward Scissorhands? Please don’t mess up this classic tale. I always thought of Alice as being older too, so don’t cast Abigail Breslin. I know Johnny Depp will appear, but you couldn’t direct a new Pirate movie instead?

Friday the 13th-Do we really need to see Jason again? Really? I love horror and I love slasher flicks. I love that they were my first brush with naked boobs, but we are beyond this now. The horror movies of today lack the style of the cheap horror of the 80’s. Cha Cha Cha!

A Nightmare on Elm Street-See Above. Without Robert Englund!

The Day the Earth Stood Still-Keanu Reeves stars in this sci-fi classic. Eww!

Death Race-As if the original were awesome.

Robocop-Yup. Coming soon. I cannot wait to see this crapfest.

Adventures in Babysitting-Starring Raven Simone. Oh, the anticipation is killing me. Will Thor reappear?

Weird Science-Arrested Development creator is attached. Who will play LeBrock’s character? This movie got cooler with age.

Footloose-When I get mad, I dance! I was thinking the other day, we need another Footloose. I hope it has a poignant message like the original. RIP Chris Penn.

Surprise!

It is a rainy Monday afternoon during the dog days of summer. The temperature is 99 degrees with a heat index of 105. You are hot and the beach is out of the question. You pick up the newspaper and look at moving listings because a cold theater and a matinee is just what you need. The problem is you have seen every Summer Blockbuster and nothing intrigues you to the point of excitement. You notice a couple of titles that sound familiar and may have some promise. Maybe you just need to get out of the house and cool off in chilly movie theater. You decide to take your chances and grab your car keys. When you arrive at the theater there is the scattering of patrons, but nothing monumental has been released lately so it is seemingly deserted. There is no wait for popcorn and two pimple faced ushers are discussing whether or not the have a shot of "hooking up" with Miley Cyrus. This could be a bad day, but you are determined to enjoy whatever mind numbing movie you choose. You buy your ticket and grab your popcorn and Sno-caps. The actual screening room has about ten people sprinkled about in their seats. You take your seat and two hours pass without a blink. What happened in those two hours? You were surprised beyond belief. You just found a cinematic jewel. You didn’t expect it, but it happened. You feel like a professor of archaeology and you just unearthed a great find that may change civilization. This is the power of cinema. This is the unexpected and your day out was well worth the price of admission.

Today’s Roar is dedicated to Johnny K. who gave me the idea for the blog. These are movies that caught me “off guard.” I didn’t expect much or had no expectations at all for these films. By the end of each of these movies I was pleasantly surprised. John was taken aback by American Beauty and I’m guessing the screenplay had him floored.

5) Major League-I remember thinking this would be a slapstick comedy and what I saw on screen was baseball movie with a Rocky style twist. It is one of the most quoted movies ever made and a delight for any baseball fan. I’d take a whiz on Dorn’s contract!

4) Jurassic Park-I heard about the book. I heard it was a Spielberg film, but I had no clue it was going to be fun. Jurassic Park had my heart pounding for two hours and John William’s score gave me goose bumps. “You bred raptors?”

3) Gone Baby Gone-This could have been a paint-by-numbers thriller, but it was Casey Affleck’s finest hour. It brought up one of the great moral dilemmas in cinema. I was surprised at how well this movie handled several issues. The twist was well worth the investment.

2) Blast from the Past-By all rights this movie should be deemed terrible, but I had to laugh at Christopher Walken’s portrayl of the paranoid anti-soviet father. The underground bomb shelter was kind of cool and Brendan Fraser’s ascension to the “top of the world” was interesting. This was a good movie and to say I was surprised in an understatement.

1) Hotel Rwanda-Don Cheadle was absolutely riveting in this moving, real-life drama. It was an education on genocide and raised awareness on the plight of Tutsis and Hutus. We said genocide would never happen again after World War II, however 100, 000 people were slaughtered in Rwanda in 100 days. I am still moved by this picture and in my opinion it is one of the best movies ever made. “Surprised,” doesn’t entirely convey how I felt after seeing this movie.

Oh What A Knight!

“…Some men just want to watch the world burn.”-Alfred

Over the past few weeks I have read about thirty different reviews in regards to The Dark Knight. The word that I have read numerous times is “hyperbole” and the fear of each critic to use the word in their review. Some have said The Dark Knight is the greatest superhero movie of the genre. I would like to take this moment to let those critics know how very wrong they are. The Dark Knight is not one of the greatest superhero movies ever, it is one of the great MOVIES ever to be made and will go into the annals of movie making as such. I often judge a movie on whether it is re-watchable. This movie has my money for a repeat viewings and a copy of the Blu-Ray DVD and that is saying something in this age of copycat cinema. I have heard this movie being compared to The Godfather and frankly, I agree with that statement. In The Godfather not a minute of screen time is wasted on frivolous plot angles. The Dark Knight tells its story in the same manner and it does it very effectively. It would take about five viewings for me to cram in all of the reasons why this is the “perfect” movie to hyperbolize. I won’t waste your time. Instead, I’ll break it down into segments without spoiling the plot. This is going to be difficult because the story is impeccable and deserves deeper analyzing.

THE FOCUS-This isn’t a movie about Batman, The Joker, Harvey Dent, or Rachael Dawes. This movie is about Gotham and its dysfunction. In this Gotham, people die just like in any other city. People are knifed, shot with real bullets, and the attitudes of the citizens reflect that of any major American city. In this Gotham, there are no buildings taken from brightly colored comic books. The setting is tangible and familiar. It is lived in and beaten. Gotham is a reflection of our society. It is confused when the lines become blurred and in some instances hope is fleeting even with the Batman as its self proclaimed guardian. This movie isn’t about a villain in Gotham, but villains working from the outside and inside to take the city’s pride and turn in it on itself. This is the Gotham Bruce Wayne has sworn to protect. The setting of Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight is the true gem of this masterpiece.

THE JOKER- Is Heath Ledger as good as they say? He is better than they say. Ledger’s Joker deserves accolades and they would have been thrust upon him whether he was alive or not. He will get an Oscar nod and probably win. There is just no debate with his performance. His performance is the epitome of “good acting.” The amazing thing about Ledger in The Dark Knight is the script doesn’t allow him to steal the show. He doesn’t play a caricature of himself like so many other campy screen villains. This Joker is quick witted, scary, and just plain mean. He is born out of hate and the truth is there is no winning even when you have defeated him. His machinations are real and are intent on causing pain. He is the dark to the light and takes pleasure in the fact that Batman needs him. Personally, I was scared of The Joker because he has no real motives for inflicting damage. He can not be bought or bartered.

BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN- Christian Bale’s Batman is actually the third character in his own movie. Batman is pushed to his limits several times. He is on the verge of becoming that of which he hates. Unlike any superhero before him, he must become the anti-hero without stepping over the “blurred line.” This Batman exists in our world. He isn’t invincible and is always in true danger. He is the one superhero who can be hurt and you can feel that on screen. He needs the police, politicians and his alter ego to defend the symbolism of The Dark Knight. Batman IS the people of Gotham and any villain trying to make a statement had better remember that Batman is more than man, he is a city. He is forced to make tough decisions and stick by those decisions no matter the consequences. People will die on his watch and the time to reflect on his decisions is limited. This is played with wonderful balance on screen.

HARVEY DENT- Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) is the most intriguing of the three main characters. He is an ambitious DA and is truly trying to help Gotham. He realizes the toll organized crime has taken on the city. He realizes Batman is but one man and realizes that evil always lurks in the hearts of men who seek revenge. The tale of Harvey Dent is a strong story and gives real sustenance to The Dark Knight.

It has been years since I have seen a movie as good as The Dark Knight. The credit has to go to Jonathan and Christopher Nolan. Their screenplay for the reinvention of Batman is flawless. The action sequences are very organic and have the feeling of real peril. This Batman is not Adam West or Michael Keaton. He is a man with doubts, strength, and humanity. He is a representation of the struggle to be “good” in every facet of our daily lives. In essence, the Dark Knight is us. The Dark Knight is the culmination of all parts working together on screen. It is the perfect recipe for what is the perfect movie.

Hell Yes!

Inventive, imaginative, daring, self-aware, and at times awe-inspiring; are the words that best describe Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Guillermo Del Torro’s vision is something to behold. It is an array of sensations that hit you all at once. At times you will find it hard to wrap your mind around what is happening on screen. This is a new version of the “superhero genre” and in away a throw back film to glorious 1980’s fantasy cinema. Hellboy II offers something that many summer films cannot, heart. The story is quite good and truly resembles that of a bedtime story which is how the movie opens. John Hurt (Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull) tells a young Hellboy of a world long lost. A world where man was not to be trusted and as a contingency a group of elves created a Golden Army that could be controlled to rule the world if things were to get "out of hand.”

Much like Lord of the Rings, a crown divided into three parts was divided and once brought together a ruler could claim this Golden Army and have it do his bidding. This all seems to play out as the backdrop to other story arches which are just as compelling.

Del Torro and Mike Mignola (Creator of Hellboy) seem to push all of the right buttons with this film. The characters are very comfortable in their environment which seems to be produced by extremely powerful hallucinogens or just over active imaginations. It is enjoyable to see a director have fun with a film and create something that is uniquely his own. Del Torro has done this before with Pan’s Labyrinth, but Hellboy is a bit more simplistic than that film. Hellboy (Ron Pearlman) as a character is fascinating in his own right. In this movie he wants to be recognized like a Spiderman or Superman and be loved by the populace. Unfotunatley, the populace finds a red, hornless, devil not endearing. Hellboy is conflicted because he has spent his entire life defending these people from the things that they fear. He has protected them from all of the “bumps” in the darkness of night and they still refuse to embrace him and his band of misfits. It is amazing to actually see the expressions of hurt feelings on the face of an otherwise “unique” character. This is a credit to the filmmaker, who allows his hero to be the harbinger of emotion.

There are few scenes in movies that as you watch them, you know they will become classics for one reason or another. Del Torro’s Troll Market is something to marvel. It is fantastic, witty, scary, beautiful, and truly out of this world. It is Mos Eisley Cantina all over again and a truly fun time. It is homage to our childish imaginations and it is more than welcomed. There are so many creatures, monsters, trolls, and other unexplainable things that the feast for senses will leave you more than full. Hellboy says something rather poignant in the Troll Market. He states “They don’t look at us funny down here…” Implying that his gang of misfits finally “fits” somewhere. Oddly enough, if you ever survived high school, you will feel the same.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army was a real surprise for me. It exceeded my expectations visually and emotionally. Will this movie change the “superhero genre?” No, but it may bring back fantasy films. If you weren't a fan of the first film, I cannot recommend you to see this movie. The humor is on par with the original Hellboy and the characters as they are require you to abandon rationality for the simple fact that they exist. By the end of this movie there is plenty of room for Hellboy 3 and I for one, hope that idea comes to fruition. It is also safe to say that The Hobbit is in more than capable hands and I cannot wait to see the visual world Del Torro will create for those films.

Friendly Fire

In our society it has become apparent that male friendships have suffered from the feminization of the word “friend.” “Friend” has taken on the connotation of weakness with men. Men, as a whole, have fewer friends than women and their friendships are often built out of loyalty more than love. It is an interesting dynamic to gender relationships in our society. In any relationship we look for commonalities and connections to our own lives. Male friendships are usually forged when there is a common cause. This could be sports, movies, or women. As men, we form brotherhoods that cannot be broken. In a lot of ways we value our male friendships more than our relationships with women. You see, there is a primitive bond that exists between men. These friendships are about the things that do not need to be said, but are understood. Loyalty is always a part of the male friendship and “love” is just implicit. There is the old cliché, “You are lucky to have one or two true friends in your life.” This is the one lesson we can take out of lives and it is very true. These are the friends that you count on and they count on you. These are the guys that would drop everything for you in a moments notice if that is what they thought you needed. These are the guys that do not have to get “wordy,” but their hand on your shoulder speaks volumes. These are the guys that look at you in your worst moments and yet, they still like you. They represent the confidence that resides in you and they are fiercely devoted to your cause.

Today’s “Roar” is a tribute to two of my very best male compatriots, Joe and Chris. I am listing movies that remind me of them and why the characters in these films are representation of our friendship.

Toy Story 2- Buzz Lightyear has to rescue Woody from selling himself out to be with his “kind.” Buzz puts together a team of toys to stop Woody from making a mistake and helps him realize that “friendship” is belonging. Neither of my friends would ever let me sell myself out. You’ve got a friend in me…

Star Wars-How many people do you know that would fly across the galaxy to save your ass from impending doom? Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are the truest friends. Luke risks everything, ignoring Yoda’s warning (…You will ruin all for which they fought and suffered), to help Han. He flies into Bespin, untrained and naïve. His purpose, to save his friends from Darth Vader. These guys would risk everything in the name of friendship and when things go wrong, I look to the stars for the Clarkinnium Falcon or an Ungaro-Wing Fighter.

Good Will Hunting-Well, this is the ultimate movie about friends and one of my all time favorite movies. The irony of the characters in this movie is that neither is threatened by the other. There is an unspoken bond on screen and is one of two movies in which I actually appreciate the acting of Ben Affleck.

And why does he hang out with those retarded gorillas, as you called them? Because any one of them, if he asked them to, would take a fucking bat to your head, okay? It's called loyalty. This is so true about Chris and Joe. If I were in pain there is no doubt that bats would be in hand and we’d deal with the consequences later.

No, no no no. Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me, 'cause tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. You're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time. Only true friends can talk to you this way. Not your wife, not your mother, only your best friends.


The Godfather- Why do you hurt me, Michael? I've always been loyal to you-Tom Hagen
Tom Hagen is the most loyal individual ever to grace a movie screen. The relationship between he and Michael epitomizes the primal nature of the male bond. Tom is the only character able to tell Michael where he truly stands.

Somethin' Smells

What makes a bad movie? The answer is easy, pretentiousness. Movies that claim to be “life changing” or are strung together to create “Oscar Buzz,” beware. These are the movies you must proceed ahead with caution before viewing. Now, there are bad movies on the shelves of every Blockbuster or “Ma and Pa” video store with titles like “They Saved Hitler’s Brain,” and if you rent these titles, you know exactly what you are getting. For the sake of this “Roar,” I’m limiting it to movies that seemingly had some promise, but failed miserably. It would be too easy to list “Cabin Boy” or “Anaconda” on this scale. It is also important to note that movies like Rocky 5 and Caddyshack 2 were left of off the list because they do not offer the smug nature of some films although they are quite bad. Do you remember Oscar winner “Dances with Wolves?” Go back and watch it and I think you’ll understand the pretentious nature of that film and just how bad it truly is while questioning the Academy’s decision to award it Best Picture. This movie is deemed “good” out of guilt because its plot deals with the destruction of Native Americans. This list was challenge, but the task is complete. Here are my five worst films in cinematic history…

5) Pay it Forward-Pretentious beyond all belief. If I do a kind act and someone else follows my lead the world will be better place. Malarkey! Here’s a kind act, burn every copy of this movie.

4) The Majestic-Jim Carrey crying for an Oscar nomination. Let’s see, if we put Martin Landau and Jim Carrey in the same movie it will be good, right? WRONG! Frank Darabount wrote this movie after Shawshank Redemption and I guess we all expected to be “good.” Nothing Majestic about it!

3) Battlefield Earth-L. Ron Hubbard, John Travolta and other’s in this epically bad movie about god knows what. I wanted to take my brain out of my skull and wash it after seeing this movie.

2) Dangerous Minds-That’s right Michelle Pfieffer as a bad ass teacher in a primarily African American high school. Hollywood, please show us the other side of the tracks. I am a Caucasian from suburbia and need to realize how diverse the world really is and need to identify with the other half. Hollywood, manipulate my sensibilities into crying. How do we teach these Keeeeedze? (far better movie) This is as pretentious as it gets.

1) Wild Hogs-I remember watching Meet the Parents and thinking, “Wow, this could have been awful, but it is quite good because there is star power carrying the script.” I thought to my dismay that “Wild Hogs” may be similar. Travolta, Allen, Macy, Liotta Lawrence, Tomei, how could this movie fail? “Failure” doesn’t even begin to describe the steaming crapfest that is Wild Hogs. By the end of this film, I was praying to God that in some fashion, he would return the wasted hour and forty-five minutes of my life in some capacity. I fault myself for sitting through this tragic cinematic piece of garbage. I’d rather have been eaten by Wild Hogs than watch this movie. Oh yeah, Peter Fonda shows up and gives an Easy Rider philosophy on “riding.” I hate, Hate, HATE this movie.

Hancock Wasted?

It is tough to ignore the obvious jokes that would go with writing review about Hancock. I could say that this movie "Sucked Hancock" or it was just too much "Hancock for Me to Handle." The play on words are limitless unlike this movie. Hancock is bound by its own tepid screen writing and for some reason limits itself to being an okay film. Director Peter Berg has an opportunity here to take a character that is so interesting and create a new kind of superhero epic. Instead, we get a movie that relies soley on the star power of Will Smith. Smith plays the drunken, foul mouthed, Hancock with stlyle and for the first half of this movie I was enthralled and hoping that the script would continue in this direction. Hancock does not like the people that he saves and they do not return much love for him either. Hancock causes the city of Los Angeles millions of dollars in damage everytime he puts forth any heroic effort. He is bogged down in his own self-pity until he saves the life of Ray Embery played by Jason Bateman. Embery is an idealists with a Public Relations background and proposes to change Hancocks image. Embery's wife, Mary, played by Charlize Theron, is less than taken with Hancock. This creates what may be an intersting dynamic to the film, but for some reason the script gets far away from this thought and folds onto itself. We do get an explanation of who Hancock is, but in so many ways it is flimsy. It is all tied into ancient mythology and the path of a true hero. This is a big mistake because Hancock is the antithesis of a true hero and that is what could have made this movie a winner. Its inability to seperate itself from just another superhero movie was detremantal to the second half of the film.

There are things to like about Hancock. The character curses at children and drinks whiskey by the bottle. He is self-loathing and hates the fact that people have expectations for him. He could easily abuse his power and doesn't because in some way is looking for acceptance. Hancock is different and this movie could have been too. It is hard to write a glowing review of this movie even though all the elements are in place for something totally refreshing. The biggest problem with Hancock is there isn't one moment in the movie where you are in awe of anything that happens on screen. There are no "goosebump" moments. By the end, you might wish you had a bottle of whiskey to wipe away the memory of this subtle summer fare.

Apology Not Accepted

It all began years ago in a childhood far far away. A young boy with an active imagination attached himself to a movie. The premise seemed to be off the wall. The movie featured a seemingly gay robot accompanied by a mobile trashcan that spoke beeps and blurps. It featured a “walking carpet” and a whiney moisture farmer. The craziest thing about this film was the asthmatic villain who ruled with an iron fist. The movie was Star Wars or as they call it now, Star Wars: A New Hope. It set the bar for blockbuster entertainment and spawned a merchandising empire. George Lucas’s vision ignited the imaginations of many children and gave hope that movies could still be fun. It was a creation that would lead to creative filmmaking and has inspired generations of filmmakers. As a kid all those years ago, I thought that Star Wars and its sequels could not have been more perfect. The Empire Strikes Back may be the pillar of a cinematic masterpiece. There is not a moment wasted on screen. I use to hang upside down on my bed and try to use the force to get my toy lightsaber just like Luke. It never worked, but I am still trying. You see Star Wars for me is my barometer for movies. I expect more out of Hollywood because of its achievements and world renowned praise. These are the very movies that made me love film. But I digress, I cannot spend another minute of my life apologizing for the abomination called The Prequel Trilogy.
Let’s start off with Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I bought into this travesty hook, line, and sinker. I remember watching the teaser trailer in November of 1998 and nearly crying because it looked so promising. It seemed as if Lucas and company had an idea of what they were doing. Besides the day I got married, the day I bought tickets for The Phantom Menace was the happiest moment of my life. I could not believe that another Star Wars movie was going to splash down and rule an entire summer. I bought toys, magazines, and product tie-ins from Pizza Hut. I was energized again and knew that greatness had once again arrived in Hollywood. It was all too perfect and the time machine in my heart harkened back to the days of playing with my Millenium Falcon and freeing Han Solo from play-dough as if he were encased in carbonite. Damn, this was going to be good. I brought my girlfriend, my sisters, and anyone else who wanted to share in this glorious occasion with me to the theater. The local news had reporters stationed inside the theater interviewing people before and after the movie. Kids and adults were dressed in costumes swinging lightsabers and making buzzing sounds. This was the impact of cinema in its finest hour. The opening sequence to any Star Wars movie is always exciting. The Lucasfilm logo hits the screen and a silence falls over the crowd without fail. Then it happened, The Phantom Menace actually played as a movie and it was stunningly embarrassing. Jar Jar Binks is credited with the ruination of the franchise, but it is not his fault. Yes, Jar Jar is annoying, but not nearly as irritating has Jake Lloyd as young Anakin Skywalker. George Lucas has trouble directing adult actors so, what was he thinking starting off the “new trilogy” with an eight-year-old Sith to be? I am still baffled. The best casting decision in this movie was Samuel Jackson as Mace Windu. His performance was riveting as he drops knowledge on young Anakin in a Jedi Council meeting. His two lines in the film should be shown in every acting class (sarcasm). These small quibbles are not the worst aspect of the movie. The worst was the decision to have a Star Wars movie based off of a Galactic Trade dispute. I cannot believe for second that Lucas thought this would be an interesting idea. He has said repeatedly that the Star Wars Universe was created for children therefore adults would be critical of the new films. Well, when is the last time a group of children busted out their action figures to play Galactic Trade Dispute? To borrow a line from Luke Skywalker, “NEVER!” I have to give credit to the last 45 minutes of the movie because it was rather exciting. I enjoyed watching the tattooed Darth Maul fight two Jedi, but for all of his badness, his death was rather weak. He was taken out by a young Obi-Wan and cut in half. Frankly, I never got the Darth Maul character. He was just a pit-bull trained to kill. The moment that seals the deal in this movie is Anakin “accidentally” blowing up a Trade Federation ship to save the day on Naboo. That scene was and still is just plain stupid. Yippie! Isn’t that what we all scream when we save the galaxy? After seeing this movie seven times in the theater, I still apologized for all of its awfulness. The truth is that The Phantom Menace is as far from the Star Wars Universe as one could possibly get. Oh by the way, the announcers of the pod race scene…
Now to the sweat stained Attack of the Clones. Holy crap did this movie just plain suck the life out me in parts. Anakin Skywalker was played by Hayden Christensen and boy did he “wow” me with his captivating charisma. Again, Lucas puts the screws to his loyalists. He is quoted as saying that Clones is a love story. That’s right, A LOVE STORY. That is exactly what we want out of Star Wars movie. It was surely a good idea to write the first third as a Trade Dispute, but what an epiphany it must have been to make a Star Wars movie a “love story.” Hey guys, let’s gather our action figures and play “love story.” Seriously, the “love scenes” in this movie are unforgivable by any standards. Here is the actual script:

INTERIOR: NABOO LAKE RETREAT, LODGE, FIREPLACE ALCOVE -TWILIGHT
A fire blazes in the open hearth. PADMÉ and ANAKIN aresitting in front of it, gazing into the flames. She looksup as ANAKIN leans in to kiss her.
PADMÉ: Anakin, no.
ANAKIN: From the moment I met you, all those years ago, aday hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you. And nowthat I'm with you again, I'm in agony. The closer I get toyou, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with youmakes my stomach turn over - my mouth goes dry. I feeldizzy. I can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss you shouldnever have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kisswill not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormentingme. What can I do? I will do anything you ask...

This was really carried out on screen. The greatest Jedi of all time actually says this stuff. I am “haunted” by the script. All I could do is ask myself, “What the hell is going on?” Anakin Skywalker is behaving like a total dweeb. His MySpace page must be pathetic. Who would have thought Darth “Freakin” Vader to be completely EMO? I’m sure they are concerned about him at the Jedi Temple. This doesn’t say much for the mentoring job of Obi-Wan Kenobi. I love the fact that the all knowing Jedi cannot or fail to acknowledge the conflicted feelings of the “chosen one.” This does not top the introduction of Jango Fett. Jango is brought into the film to introduce fan favorite, Boba Fett. I never really understood the infatuation with Boba Fett, after all, he was just a bounty hunter. He first appeared during the Star Wars Holiday Special and still has a cult following. In my opinion, his story is the least interesting. The problems with “Clones” seem dissipate when we arrive at the Battle Arena where Anakin and Padme are sentenced to death by three creatures, but again it proves to be ridiculous. Mace Windu shows up with his glowing purple lightsaber and says, “This party is over.” Can you feel the chills? It was astonishingly terrible to see so many Jedi getting “punked” so easily. These are Jedi Knights. These are the heroic icons of youth. These are the guys we would put up against any enemy and they would succeed. In “Clones,” they are destroyed by Federation Droids. Attack of the Clones does have one redeeming quality and that it the Jedi prowess of Yoda. Yoda ignites his lightsaber and I felt a slight tickle in my special area. It saved this movie from totally being horrendous. “Clones” gets an “A” for effort and a D- for execution. Execution is too appropriate for this movie.
Revenge of the Sith is the third installment of the prequel trilogy and the most tragic for various reasons. Sith was going to be the movie that brought redemption back to the Star Wars Universe. All of the things that were discussed in our youth would come to fruition. We were finally going to see Anakin Skywalker fight Obi-Wan Kenobi in what should have been the greatest lightsaber battle of all-time. What we get is something less. It amazes me that the Jedi were so easily fooled by Emperor Palpatine. They are almost deserving of their plight. Lucas said, “This is the Titanic of the series.” One more time, “Let’s get our action figures and play Titanic.” Really George? What is most heartbreaking about Sith is that it has the workings of a great film. All of the elements are there and once again it is fumbled and bobbled. There is homage to the Godfather in this film, which I liked and wish were carried out more effectively. In The Godfather, the five families are “taken care of” at the end of the movie. In Sith, the Jedi are “taken care of” on various worlds, but once again the build up doesn’t correlate well with the scenes. I was literally crawling in my seat when the Jedi are murdered on the “neon” planet. The CGI was so bad that I felt as if I were on Mr. Toads Wild Ride at Disney World. It looked cheap and made me feel the same. We all wanted to see Revenge of the Sith to see the transformation of Anakin into Vader. I honestly cannot stand the way this was portrayed on screen. Anakin is cut off at the legs and then burns before being rescued by Palpatine. Let me put this in perspective, Anakin Skywalker has legendary lightsaber skills and has saved the galaxy numerous times from doom, yet, isn’t savvy enough not to flip into the blue blade of Obi-Wan. This is just plain awful. However, I did enjoy the Frankenstein style in which Anakin becomes Darth Vader, but all is ruined when James Earl Jones’s voice utters the word “NOOOOOO!” I understand he is upset about the possibility of killing his wife in a fit of rage, but once you put on that black suit you are not entitled to whine. Mr. Skywalker must shed is quasi-depressive state and become a hateful, spiteful Sith Lord. I almost wish that Lucas had written the transformation of Anakin earlier in the trilogy. It would have been fascinating to see him hunt and murder Jedi without remorse. If you rearrange the letters in Sith you just may have the true meaning of the Prequel Trilogy.
I love the Star Wars Universe. It is an escapist fantasy for me and always has been. It is the reminder of all that was good aboutgrowing up a child of the 70’s and 80’s. It has taught me valuable lessons about good and evil and love and friendship. Some over step their boundries and say that Lucas “raped” their childhood. I cannot agree with this, but I can say that Star Wars is sacred ground. It is not to be taken lightly. I just wanted to relive a fraction of my childhood. I didn’t expect these movies to better that the Original Trilogy, but I did expect them to be just as good.